This summer I will attempt something truly audacious… groundbreaking… unprecedented… game-changing.
I will attempt to (ahem…) cross the English Channel. Not once, not twice or even thrice. Ten times. Consecutively. 210 miles without stopping.
Needless to say, this has never been achieved by a swimmer. Which is not to say I’ll be swimming. Indeed, I’ll be doing everything possible in order to not swim. Actually swimming 210 miles would be far too difficult.
I will be aided in my quest by several important tools:
1. A monofin. I’m thinking the Competitor model from FINIS looks pretty sweet.
2. Paddles. But not just any old paddles. Special paddles. My usual training paddles (Strokemakers) are sometimes mocked as “dinnerplates,” which frankly hurts my feelings. So I’m taking it one step further. I will be using actual dinnerplates as paddles. Fine china, in fact. I’m happy to count Lenox among the proud sponsors of my “swim.”
3. A drysuit. Because I don’t want any part of my body to actually touch the water. Did you know, the English Channel is apparently cold!
4. Finally – because 210 miles is still a long way to “swim,” even with a monofin, dinnerplate paddles, and a drysuit – Honda Marine will be donating a 225hp outboard motor to my effort.
How will I use this engine, you ask? Here’s the kicker: I’ll be working with the fine folks at UCLA Medical Center (these are people with not only MDs, but PhDs too!) to develop the very first boat-engine prosthesis for humans. That’s right – I will be permanently grafting a boat engine to my backside! Awesome, right?
No more Maxim — only 93-octane unleaded for this guy!
I haven’t quite figured out yet how my boat-engine prosthesis will work with the monofin, but… I’m sure we’ll work out all those details later.
Finally, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve been in contact with the Guinness Book of World Records and the International Marathon Swimming Hall of Fame, who have both assured me that, if I am successful, my feat will be entered into the books as the first monofin-aided, dinnerplate-aided, drysuit-aided, outboard motor-aided “decuple” (that means 10x) crossing of the English Channel.
I’m hoping that the media attention my attempt will generate will inspire others to follow in my footsteps. For the person who wants to swim – but doesn’t want to, you know, actually swim – this is a revolutionary solution. My aim is nothing less than to create a new industry.
Because, let’s face it: Swimming is hard. Who can be bothered?