Very Important Announcement

This summer I will attempt something truly audacious… groundbreaking… unprecedented… game-changing.

I will attempt to (ahem…) cross the English Channel. Not once, not twice or even thrice. Ten times. Consecutively. 210 miles without stopping.

Needless to say, this has never been achieved by a swimmer. Which is not to say I’ll be swimming. Indeed, I’ll be doing everything possible in order to not swim. Actually swimming 210 miles would be far too difficult.

I will be aided in my quest by several important tools:

1. A monofin. I’m thinking the Competitor model from FINIS looks pretty sweet.

2. Paddles. But not just any old paddles. Special paddles. My usual training paddles (Strokemakers) are sometimes mocked as “dinnerplates,” which frankly hurts my feelings. So I’m taking it one step further. I will be using actual dinnerplates as paddles. Fine china, in fact. I’m happy to count Lenox among the proud sponsors of my “swim.”

3. A drysuit. Because I don’t want any part of my body to actually touch the water. Did you know, the English Channel is apparently cold!

4. Finally – because 210 miles is still a long way to “swim,” even with a monofin, dinnerplate paddles, and a drysuit – Honda Marine will be donating a 225hp outboard motor to my effort.

How will I use this engine, you ask? Here’s the kicker: I’ll be working with the fine folks at UCLA Medical Center (these are people with not only MDs, but PhDs too!) to develop the very first boat-engine prosthesis for humans. That’s right – I will be permanently grafting a boat engine to my backside! Awesome, right?

No more Maxim — only 93-octane unleaded for this guy!

I haven’t quite figured out yet how my boat-engine prosthesis will work with the monofin, but… I’m sure we’ll work out all those details later.

Finally, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve been in contact with the Guinness Book of World Records and the International Marathon Swimming Hall of Fame, who have both assured me that, if I am successful, my feat will be entered into the books as the first monofin-aided, dinnerplate-aided, drysuit-aided, outboard motor-aided “decuple” (that means 10x) crossing of the English Channel.

I’m hoping that the media attention my attempt will generate will inspire others to follow in my footsteps. For the person who wants to swim – but doesn’t want to, you know, actually swim – this is a revolutionary solution. My aim is nothing less than to create a new industry.

Because, let’s face it: Swimming is hard. Who can be bothered?

18 thoughts on “Very Important Announcement”

  1. But will it be extreme? It has to be extreme. It looks extreme. It’s extreme. Call it the Xtremé Swim!

    Also, you need to start reworking your Twitter account with aspirational and inspirational quotes. Especially about following dreams. And how fantastic your fans are.

    I can’t wait for your TED talk and the subsequent National Geographic documentary! We’re all behind you!

      1. Why only 10? I think if you switch to Limoges you could easily do 13 (or even Royal Dalton, tho Limoges is slightly lighter but with the same tensile strength).

        1. Wow – someone knows her china! I guess I could just go with both – and perhaps switch out for a different pattern after each crossing. Can’t let a good marketing opportunity go to waste. “Which pattern will he strap on next??”

    1. Perhaps some live music, too, so the web-cam audience has more to listen to than the sounds of the 250hp outboard motor.

  2. Evan you are such an inspiration! Not many could conceive this audacious swim let alone bring it to a successful conclusion. I only have one suggestion, would it be possible to avoid using ‘bone’ china in your paddles? I would hate to see your achievement belittled because of the animal rights implications in these products, all the best, Ollie.

    1. Absolutely, Ollie. This will be a PETA-friendly event. Katie has already volunteered her cat as crew, and perhaps I will bring Claude along to keep her company.

  3. My cat, Mia, will volunteer her services as Pace Swimmer and Head of Security. She’ll be wearing two dry suits (not a fan of getting wet) and motorized water wings. If any crew members become unruly, she’ll quickly subdue them. She’s 8 pounds of fierce.

  4. I am disturbed that you will not be doing this in a carbon-neutral manner. I suggest that we convert the motor to burning methane and then feed you with nothing but refried beans and beer during the swim. With the appropriate collection device (inserted by a fully licensed medical practitioner, of course) you should be able to power this by yourself and still use the motor. Of course, after the fourth or fifth feeding you will look 9 months pregnant but nothing great is ever easy. At the end, there should be plenty of leftover methane and this can be sold to British Gas to fully fund the trip.
    No need to thank me.

    1. Oh my. I don’t know what to say! I am tempted to remove the comment, for fear that someone will steal it and use it on their own audacious, groundbreaking, unprecedented “swim.” Leonard, you really should be less generous with your ideas.

  5. Thank you, Evan, soooo much for some much needed humor in this “let’s take ourselves too seriously” sport! Uuum, you were kidding, right?!?

    1. Thanks Robert! And yes, I think it’s safe to say I won’t be grafting a 225hp boat engine to my ass 🙂 The dinnerplates, however, may prove too tempting at some point.

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